Why I Don't Blog

I want to be a blogger. Not just "Look friends! I posted an update", but I want to have a blog that helps pay some bills. I want to get all of the thoughts out of my brain and I want to share (most of) those thoughts with other people. A lot of times I have something to say... But sometimes I don't.
Or I have something to say, but someone has already said it and they have said it in a fantastic way.
Or I have something I want to say, but I don't know how to formulate the words. Or maybe I'm scared about what So-And-So may say... And I have a lot of So-And-So's in my life that I allow to speak straight to my soul. What if So-And-So gets angry or disagrees or... what if they think I'm awful?

I can give you words. I can give you stories- some will rip out your heart, some will make you pee your pants; some aren't mine to share, most are first hand experience... But... I don't have a camera other than my smart phone. I don't have a laptop, either. So when I write it is either pen & paper or on my desk top in my distractingly messy office. I'm (mostly) a Stay-At-Home-Mom, so I have the added blessing of screaming "For the last time, GO. TO. SLEEP" at my (usually) adorable offspring... I also get concerned with what happens if I run out of things to say.

I daydream about being able to wax-poetic and partake in philosophical discussions. I imagine myself blossoming into an inspirational speaker... Sometimes, I even dare to think about what my first TED talk will be. I think about how I will write the dedication in my first book. Then, when I realize that the water for the mac & cheese has boiled over, I typically scale back the daydreams to speaking at my old high school. Or maybe just a small group of high schoolers...

What am I doing?! I have thousands of notes jotted down for my blog ideas and things to research. I don't know how to mess with the layout or make it look appealing. I don't know what I want my first post to be, but I already have several series ideas in different stages of development. I have pictures from my phone saved all over so that when I do get the blog going, I can add some of my own real life images... Should the first post be about my cryptic pregnancy? Or about birthing a baby in my pants? Or should I take it way back to my beautiful childhood? Do I start out with resources for PostPartum Mood and Anxiety Disorder? Or a post that will require a trigger warning right off the bat? Or maybe I could just spew out a quick list of fun facts about myself?

Then my mind wanders to my audience. Is the market too saturated with "Mommy Bloggers"? Why would other moms want to read what I have to say when there are so many other great mom blogs? Could my target audience be young adults or teens? I have advice, but golly sakes, am I qualified to give it out? Do I try to reach dudes? (Ha! Just kidding! I would have no clue how to captivate the typical male audience)

There are so many "what if's" and things to think about behind the scenes... It's intimidating to me, and you want me to tackle it while pouring out my heart and making sure we all have clean underwear? Yikes!

... But the desire to be heard and the need to write has been in my soul for as long as I can remember. The desire is getting stronger and has actually started to be louder than the anxiety, so I am just going to start typing and see where the words take me. Give my brain some relief, while also over-thinking every single letter that is added to this screen.

The excuses keep running, but I have to start somewhere, so I might as well start here, on this free little space where I can use my freedom of speech to free my mind... Or I can use it to make a fool of myself. Who knows?

Thank you for stopping by! 💗💗

~J