I had really been hoping that our school district would have a hybrid program (2 days in person & 3 at home). Naturally, that is not ideal for the majority of staff/ students/ parents- but it seems perfect for us, so that is what I was set on. Since hybrid isn't an option, I have a bajillion things to sort through. (Yes, "I"- Brad and I will discuss and decide together what we feel is best for our family, but he knows that I'm the one with the emotional turmoil, I'm the one that takes on the bulk of the daily school concerns and depending on what we decide, I'm the one that will be taking on almost all of the educating... Plus I'm the one writing this post...)
I have ALWAYS wanted to homeschool, so our decision should be pretty clear-cut, right? Well... the few feeble attempts that I have made at homeschooling have pretty much crushed my confidence. (My super healthy M.O. with a lot of things is that not trying is much more gentle then trying and failing- so when I do find the courage to try something and I don't get the dreamy results I envisioned, it cuts far too deep... but that's a whole different post for another day...)
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Backstory: Other than crisis schooling with the rest of the world, I attempted to "homeschool" when Arend was in preschool. Looking back, I had several challenges going against me- I felt very under-supported (I had well-meaning people that disagreed with my decision to homeschool and they voiced their concerns in a manner that felt harsh instead of loving. So when I stood up for my decision, instead of feeling supported regardless of differing opinions, I was fully aware of their disapproval.) I made up a curriculum that made sense to an adult, but it was too fast & harder than necessary and I didn't think about the fact that he was 3, Adaya was 1 & 1/2 and William was born a month into the school year (and he wound up having special needs that required a strict 2 hr feeding schedule). By the end of the school year Arend knew his colors, his shapes, the basics of an airplane cockpit and how to make toast (survival mode, ya'll)... Since he couldn't recognize his numbers or letters and was unable to write his name (at 3 years old...) it was decided that I didn't have what it takes to be a homeschool mom and I buried a lifelong dream. (Deep grief when there ins't an actual death is hard and confusing!)
The last 7 or 8 years have allowed my feelings of inadequacy and failure to dig in and take root... Despite those roots being woven so deeply into my psyche, (even before quarantine,) the dream of homeschooling slowly, fearfully started coming back to life- Brad and I even talked about what needed to happen in order to attempt homeschooling (like getting in control of hoarding tendencies)... However, there was NO WAY I would ever have the courage to face those fears and take my kids out of school.
When mid-March hit and schools were closed, I was slightly excited, but absolutely not ready. Despite the fact that I know there was SO. MUCH. MORE going on (like a pandemic and anxiety and other health stuff and the fun times of having 0 executive functioning skills b/c my ADHD meds are no longer effective...) than "just" choosing to homeschool, the shit-fest that ensued only seemed to confirm that I am fully inadequate at being in charge of my children's education... God may trust me with these babies- but somewhere there has to be a clause for standardized learning!
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Anyway... This is what our school district is offering (currently Michigan is in "Phase 4- Improving" of the MI Safe Start Plan- if Michigan falls back to "Phase 3- Flattening", all face-to-face learning will switch to online) with some of my personal pros & cons:
In person- this would create the biggest sense of pre-COVID "normalcy" for the kids. It will have the greatest accountability, and be the easiest way to provide much needed structure. Plus, IEP's would be taken care of, learning will more likely stay on track and (as much as I can foresee) this option will actually be best for my anxiety (yes, even with the anxiety of a global pandemic- I don't get to pick what my brain freaks out over)... BUT masks will be required for hours on end (as of now, moving to "Phase 5- Containing" means masks will not be required, but still strongly recommended), all of the "what ifs" (What if a classmate tests positive- does the whole class need to quarantine and be tested? What if we go back to phase 3 & have to go back to online- how will my kids that need consistency handle that? Will the kiddos be able to run and play at school? Will masks be required for gym class? I have kids that will NOT thrive if they can't get on some play equipment and get their energy out; and wearing a mask on a "sensory day"? Not a chance.)
Online- accountability would still be there, some structure will be built in with "live" class times, I wouldn't have to figure out curricula, there will be no last minute "never mind your class is in quarantine", and no freaking out when a temp reads 99° or a kiddo has a cold (or is it COVID?!). There won't be as big of a concern about going backward to phase 3 and how that will trigger anyone. There big (like seriously HUGE) problems with the kids learning at home. For one, my ADHD is not currently being managed (we started to work on it, then I had heart problems, then started to get that under control and the whole world shut down...). Being thrown into online crisis learning was BEYOND challenging for some of my kiddos and I am fairly certain those early negative experiences will come back to haunt us. Then to top it all off there is something in my aura/ ju-ju/ energy vibes/ past life/ karma something that messes up all technology. No. Really. Devices work fine until I get too close and something dumb happens- until I physically hit the tech-thingy like a caveman, it will not function properly. 🤷♀️
And then there is our final option...
Homeschooling- this would mean that we would pull the kids from the district and do our own thing. It gives me the greatest freedom to teach what I want, where I want, how & when I want; and it's been a lifelong dream... But is the fact that I want to homeshcool clouding my judgement of what is best for the kids? I have the biggest fear of failing my kiddos (not giving failing grades, but failing to provide for their educational, emotional, and social needs- all very valid concerns). What if we decide to homeschool and all of those fears come true? What if my kids hold it against me for long into adulthood?
I would love to sit here and announce that I'm standing up to the fear and taking this head on...
But this post isn't a victory cry or celebration. It may seem so clear cut, but there are so many complicated, intricate details and right now my anxieties won't stop screaming for attention.
Side note: homeschooling has no built-in structure, I have no executive functioning skills... and have you ever read "Lord Of The Flies"?! Umm... yeah...
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Other "I over think everything" factors:
-I feel like if we don't have our kids in face to face schooling, I'm isolating them from their friends even more. It kills me that they don't get to see their friends. (And they will probably turn out to be socially awkward and hold it against me forever)
-I cannot provide the knowledge or expertise that trained teachers can. Sure I can Google all the things, but I don't have the psychological understanding or the quick "this worked before, let's try it" bag of tricks that comes with experience
-Where would I set up a school space? (I had just begun to work on my hoarding tendencies before shut-down, add in ADHD, kids all over 24/7 and other fluke issues, there is no way "set it up this weekend" will work for us. It will take weeks and due to my weird "all or nothing" procrastinating perfectionist personality, there isn't much hope of an organized area that I will think is good enough...)
-I have the privilege of being able to stay home. That is not lost on me. So, if I send my kids, am I taking the spots of families that don't have this luxury? I partly feel obligated to keep them home because I can, but is that what is best for them?
-We have had great teachers so far, what if I homeschool and turn out to be the teacher we have hoped to avoid!?
-No one has told me how suspension works if you homeschool...
-All of my perceived failures are LOUD a-holes and steal so much of my attention
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So... there you have it. What are your plans for the fall? What are your hesitations and hopes? Is anyone else all over the place like I am? No? Just me? That's cool...
Thank you for sitting through this novel while I try to process all the things!
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