Education Decisions

What are your school plans for this fall?

I had really been hoping that our school district would have a hybrid program (2 days in person & 3 at home). Naturally, that is not ideal for the majority of staff/ students/ parents- but it seems perfect for us, so that is what I was set on. Since hybrid isn't an option, I have a bajillion things to sort through. (Yes, "I"- Brad and I will discuss and decide together what we feel is best for our family, but he knows that I'm the one with the emotional turmoil, I'm the one that takes on the bulk of the daily school concerns and depending on what we decide, I'm the one that will be taking on almost all of the educating... Plus I'm the one writing this post...)

I have ALWAYS wanted to homeschool, so our decision should be pretty clear-cut, right? Well... the few feeble attempts that I have made at homeschooling have pretty much crushed my confidence. (My super healthy M.O. with a lot of things is that not trying is much more gentle then trying and failing- so when I do find the courage to try something and I don't get the dreamy results I envisioned, it cuts far too deep... but that's a whole different post for another day...)

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Backstory: Other than crisis schooling with the rest of the world, I attempted to "homeschool" when Arend was in preschool. Looking back, I had several challenges going against me- I felt very under-supported (I had well-meaning people that disagreed with my decision to homeschool and they voiced their concerns in a manner that felt harsh instead of loving. So when I stood up for my decision, instead of feeling supported regardless of differing opinions, I was fully aware of their disapproval.) I made up a curriculum that made sense to an adult, but it was too fast & harder than necessary and I didn't think about the fact that he was 3, Adaya was 1 & 1/2 and William was born a month into the school year (and he wound up having special needs that required a strict 2 hr feeding schedule). By the end of the school year Arend knew his colors, his shapes, the basics of an airplane cockpit and how to make toast (survival mode, ya'll)... Since he couldn't recognize his numbers or letters and was unable to write his name (at 3 years old...) it was decided that I didn't have what it takes to be a homeschool mom and I buried a lifelong dream. (Deep grief when there ins't an actual death is hard and confusing!) 

The last 7 or 8 years have allowed my feelings of inadequacy and failure to dig in and take root... Despite those roots being woven so deeply into my psyche, (even before quarantine,) the dream of homeschooling slowly, fearfully started coming back to life- Brad and I even talked about what needed to happen in order to attempt homeschooling (like getting in control of hoarding tendencies)... However, there was NO WAY I would ever have the courage to face those fears and take my kids out of school. 

When mid-March hit and schools were closed, I was slightly excited, but absolutely not ready. Despite the fact that I know there was SO. MUCH. MORE going on (like a pandemic and anxiety and other health stuff and the fun times of having 0 executive functioning skills b/c my ADHD meds are no longer effective...) than "just" choosing to homeschool, the shit-fest that ensued only seemed to confirm that I am fully inadequate at being in charge of my children's education... God may trust me with these babies- but somewhere there has to be a clause for standardized learning! 

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Anyway... This is what our school district is offering (currently Michigan is in "Phase 4- Improving" of the MI Safe Start Plan- if Michigan falls back to "Phase 3- Flattening", all face-to-face learning will switch to online) with some of my personal pros & cons:

In person- this would create the biggest sense of pre-COVID "normalcy" for the kids. It will have the greatest accountability, and be the easiest way to provide much needed structure. Plus, IEP's would be taken care of, learning will more likely stay on track and (as much as I can foresee) this option will actually be best for my anxiety (yes, even with the anxiety of a global pandemic- I don't get to pick what my brain freaks out over)... BUT masks will be required for hours on end (as of now, moving to "Phase 5- Containing" means masks will not be required, but still strongly recommended), all of the "what ifs" (What if a classmate tests positive- does the whole class need to quarantine and be tested? What if we go back to phase 3 & have to go back to online- how will my kids that need consistency handle that? Will the kiddos be able to run and play at school? Will masks be required for gym class? I have kids that will NOT thrive if they can't get on some play equipment and get their energy out; and wearing a mask on a "sensory day"? Not a chance.)

Online- accountability would still be there, some structure will be built in with "live" class times, I wouldn't have to figure out curricula, there will be no last minute "never mind your class is in quarantine", and no freaking out when a temp reads 99° or a kiddo has a cold (or is it COVID?!). There won't be as big of a concern about going backward to phase 3 and how that will trigger anyone. There big (like seriously HUGE) problems with the kids learning at home. For one, my ADHD is not currently being managed (we started to work on it, then I had heart problems, then started to get that under control and the whole world shut down...). Being thrown into online crisis learning was BEYOND challenging for some of my kiddos and I am fairly certain those early negative experiences will come back to haunt us. Then to top it all off there is something in my aura/ ju-ju/ energy vibes/ past life/ karma something that messes up all technology. No. Really. Devices work fine until I get too close and something dumb happens- until I physically hit the tech-thingy like a caveman, it will not function properly. 🤷‍♀️

And then there is our final option...

Homeschooling- this would mean that we would pull the kids from the district and do our own thing. It gives me the greatest freedom to teach what I want, where I want, how & when I want; and it's been a lifelong dream... But is the fact that I want to homeshcool clouding my judgement of what is best for the kids? I have the biggest fear of failing my kiddos (not giving failing grades, but failing to provide for their educational, emotional, and social needs- all very valid concerns). What if we decide to homeschool and all of those fears come true? What if my kids hold it against me for long into adulthood? 

I would love to sit here and announce that I'm standing up to the fear and taking this head on... 

But this post isn't a victory cry or celebration. It may seem so clear cut, but there are so many complicated, intricate details and right now my anxieties won't stop screaming for attention.

Side note: homeschooling has no built-in structure, I have no executive functioning skills... and have you ever read "Lord Of The Flies"?! Umm... yeah...

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Other "I over think everything" factors: 

-I feel like if we don't have our kids in face to face schooling, I'm isolating them from their friends even more. It kills me that they don't get to see their friends. (And they will probably turn out to be socially awkward and hold it against me forever)

-I cannot provide the knowledge or expertise that trained teachers can. Sure I can Google all the things, but I don't have the psychological understanding or the quick "this worked before, let's try it" bag of tricks that comes with experience

-Where would I set up a school space? (I had just begun to work on my hoarding tendencies before shut-down, add in ADHD, kids all over 24/7 and other fluke issues, there is no way "set it up this weekend" will work for us. It will take weeks and due to my weird "all or nothing" procrastinating perfectionist personality, there isn't much hope of an organized area that I will think is good enough...)

-I have the privilege of being able to stay home. That is not lost on me. So, if I send my kids, am I taking the spots of families that don't have this luxury? I partly feel obligated to keep them home because I can, but is that what is best for them?

-We have had great teachers so far, what if I homeschool and turn out to be the teacher we have hoped to avoid!?

-No one has told me how suspension works if you homeschool...

-All of my perceived failures are LOUD a-holes and steal so much of my attention

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So... there you have it. What are your plans for the fall? What are your hesitations and hopes? Is anyone else all over the place like I am? No? Just me? That's cool...

Thank you for sitting through this novel while I try to process all the things!

Health Updates

This post is basically to update friends and family on all of the things going on in the last 2 months or so regarding our health, so it probably won't be the most fascinating read in history...
***Side note: the kiddos had their well childs all together recently, and that is why we "all of a sudden" have some specialists to see...

Arend (11)  and Eleanor (3) have been healthy (outside of the random active kid bumps & bruises and occasional colds) so there really is no update there

Adaya (9) has fairly obvious undiagnosed ADHD, due to life circumstances (thank you, severe postpartum) we haven't pursued a diagnosis because it wasn't going to change our plan of action. We weren't interested in medicating her until we felt meds were necessary. After parent teacher conferences we have decided to pursue a diagnosis and use western medicine for now. Praying that things line up quickly and that meds can be figured out with ease!
Adaya also has kidney reflux. She hasn't had a kidney infection since summer and that is a huge answer to prayer! Years ago we were at the dr every other month. Now, equipped with some natural remedies, more acute observation of early warning symptoms, and her having better knowledge of hygiene, we have done great with keeping UTI's at bay. However, it is time for her to meet with her urologist to assess kidney function. --- At 4 years old, she had Grade 3 (out of 5) reflux- my basic understanding is that the "flappy valve" (totally real medical term...) doesn't work properly, so when she pees, the valve allows urine to back flow. A grade 3 means urine goes up the ureter (the kidney-to-bladder "hose") and into the renal pelvis (the funnel from the kidney to the ureter) and then causes some mild swelling. ((I'm sorry to all of my medical people. This is how I explain it to my kiddos...)) The urology appointment will assess her reflux (by inserting a dye via catheter, taking x-rays, then having her use the restroom and x-ray the location of the dye again) to determine whether or not she will need surgery to correct the problem.

William (8) has been doing well with self-regulation and his sensory processing disorder. We are also approaching the need to test for ADHD, but there is a lot going on, so that is placed on the "get to it soon-ish" list instead of the "now" list.
The bigger/ more urgent concern for William is his lack of growth. We had a bone age assessment done about a month and a half ago and it showed him just over 2 years behind. He has never been a big kid (failure to thrive as an infant even), but this year it has been magnified and is starting to effect his self-esteem. As a mom my heart breaks when he has no friends or he is in tears and ready to fight strangers at a play ground because they are teasing him. There are only so many times you can say "People are mean because they have a sadness in their heart" and there are only so many times you can encourage your child to not let their anger and "wild" get so big that it explodes. His size is getting in the way of him thriving and we decided it was time to stop saying "he's a late bloomer". So William met with a pediatric endocrinologist (basically a doctor of all things glands and hormones), had a whole load of blood work done, and met with a dietitian. He has a (very slight) allergy to milk, the rest of the blood work came back negative. So now we bulk up the calories and add real butter or olive oil to most of his meals and add in a kid-friendly protein shake. (For those of you wondering, we can add any healthy oil, but the other oils I have on had make him gag, so EVO and butter it is!) We will have a follow-up with the dietitian in 6 weeks and a follow up with the endocrinologist in 6 months. Hopefully we can pack some weight on my tiny kiddo- I think he is starting to look a bit sickly, but part of that might be from the trauma of him being rail-thin as an infant?

Titus (5.5) poor Titus! He looks healthy and acts age appropriate (usually). With discipline we are noticing what seems to be some attachment issues stemming from my PostPartum, so I am currently waiting to hear back from insurance in regards to play therapy or something along those lines to help my sweet boy be his best self. So that is in "wait and research" stages of development.
Titus' most obvious problem has to do with... potty training! "What??!! Your almost 6 yr old isn't potty trained??!!" ... Actually, he is. That is part of the problem. Why did my potty trained kiddo all of a sudden pee every. single. night? And then start having accidents during the day? Usually small, sometimes big, always with me right there either encouraging him to go potty and not ignore it or with me blaming him for not caring... Then the poop streaks started. "Ti! Make sure you wipe after you poop on the potty, dude!" Then the smell! THEN the full on poop accidents... That's when I remember a brave, sweet, warrior Mama-Bear talking a little bit about her fight against encopresis. (My "totally medical" explanation: major constipation due to diet, fear of pain from pooping, fear of the toilet, holding it for too long and so on; long story short, eventually causes uncontrolled leaking. It also irritates the bladder and can cause urinary incontinence as well as fecal incontinence.) So many things lined up and it made sense! We talked to his doctor and got an official diagnosis. At this point, Titus can't even feel the urge to poop. Sometimes he thinks he may have to fart, but the stretching of the colon has caused nerve damage. We are finally clearing out some of the blockage and have been having a crappy new year. (!HA! I think I'm so funny!) So the hope is that over the next little bit we will have everything cleaned out and then the actual healing can begin. It is expected to take 6 months to a year for his colon to return to normal. Until then, we work on potty time consistency and pray protection over his self esteem. He's already "teased" by people for "wearing diapers to bed" (we very specifically call them 'bedtime underwear' so that he doesn't feel even worse about being unable to control this.) He's been disciplined and handed so many consequences over the last year for something that was totally out of his control. I definitely get sick of splooshing undies in the toilet, but at least now I'm not giving him the third degree for it. I know how hard it is to let people down because of a side effect from a sickness and I feel awful for my part in that with Titus. However, he has a big forgiving heart and is young enough/ resilient enough that we can counter-act a lot it.
(More info on encopresis)

Brad has no real health updates- just the typical stuff from beating up his body with his job. That man makes it a goal to get 5 hours of sleep each night. I get angry with less than 7...

My health- this post is so long already guys, I'm sorry! I'm going to cut out a lot of details here, for now, but basically I noticed a change in my hormone cycle and my symptoms. After ignoring it all for months, I finally talked to my doctor and had an ultrasound that found a spot in my uterine lining. Nothing serious, (cysts, fibroids or endometriosis) but getting in the way of daily life. So I met with a specialist for a biopsy... Only they didn't have time for a biopsy and he decided to give me meds instead. Against my better judgment and with an immense lack of information/ misinformation from the doctor, I felt pressured to get the Depo Provera shot. DO. NOT. GET. DEPO. I was told that the only side effect was weight gain. I just lost 50 pounds. I don't want to gain weight... But usually the gain is only 5-10 pounds. Ok, I can handle that. Go ahead and pump me full of enough synthetic hormones to get me though three full cycles... I didn't want it, I wanted to think about it and research it, but I felt like a burden and I'm not in the medical field, so I guess go ahead...
... The extreme, blinding rage and suicidal ideation only lasted for 10 days- but those 10 days were all sorts of PTSD triggering full of PostPartum flashbacks and anxiety attacks. It was not pretty. But my hormones leveled out... Except for the nightly hot flashes and the fatigue... Oh! And the super fun rare side effect of heart issues kicked in. I have palpitations (feels like my heart will either double-beat or skip a beat) totally normal. Unless it is accompanied with a racing heart, dizziness, light-headedness, weakness, confusion or shortness of breath... And I had all of that. ((People interested in the medical stuff: Sinus arrhythmia with premature ventricular contractions; 115 bpm while sitting down sipping water, and the PVCs were every 6- 10 beats)). After 3 ER visits in a week and a half, I was finally placed on a heart monitor for a month. ER visit #4 I finally got started on a beta-blocker and they told me (a week before Christmas) to lower my stress... Ha! Now I don't notice the palpitations and I can catch my breath when I take stairs. However, a symptom of heart stuff is fatigue, a side effect of the Depo is fatigue, and a side effect of the beta-blocker is fatigue. Plus, I got a cold from the kids and since I ignore my health, it turned into an upper respiratory infection...
The fun icing on this cake? Our insurance was full coverage until Dec. 1, and then we started a new plan... Dec 1 was the first ER visit. You guys, I work 20 hours a month. My ENTIRE yearly income is less than what our HSA deductible is. So every hour I worked for an entire year won't even cover the costs of the side effects from one shot... The shot is in my system with no antidote for 3-5 months. It also hasn't relieved my initial symptoms, so I need to have follow-ups for my heart and my uterus.

I have tried to have a good attitude, but my attitude is slowly draining with my energy levels. PostPartum took so much from us for so many years and I was/ am finally able to step up and advocate for my kiddos' health and education and my health... And now here we are. Ugh!

... It's not all gloom and doom though. We had a prom for my work party and the only way to carry a heart monitor while wearing a formal gown is... in a pink glitter fanny pack!!! (Well, I guess you could use a plain fanny pack, but why would you want to?!)

 Brad hates the fanny pack 😆


I think that is all for now... At least I hope it is--- because I have to leave for another doctor appointment!

Blessings!
~J

Why I Don't Blog

I want to be a blogger. Not just "Look friends! I posted an update", but I want to have a blog that helps pay some bills. I want to get all of the thoughts out of my brain and I want to share (most of) those thoughts with other people. A lot of times I have something to say... But sometimes I don't.
Or I have something to say, but someone has already said it and they have said it in a fantastic way.
Or I have something I want to say, but I don't know how to formulate the words. Or maybe I'm scared about what So-And-So may say... And I have a lot of So-And-So's in my life that I allow to speak straight to my soul. What if So-And-So gets angry or disagrees or... what if they think I'm awful?

I can give you words. I can give you stories- some will rip out your heart, some will make you pee your pants; some aren't mine to share, most are first hand experience... But... I don't have a camera other than my smart phone. I don't have a laptop, either. So when I write it is either pen & paper or on my desk top in my distractingly messy office. I'm (mostly) a Stay-At-Home-Mom, so I have the added blessing of screaming "For the last time, GO. TO. SLEEP" at my (usually) adorable offspring... I also get concerned with what happens if I run out of things to say.

I daydream about being able to wax-poetic and partake in philosophical discussions. I imagine myself blossoming into an inspirational speaker... Sometimes, I even dare to think about what my first TED talk will be. I think about how I will write the dedication in my first book. Then, when I realize that the water for the mac & cheese has boiled over, I typically scale back the daydreams to speaking at my old high school. Or maybe just a small group of high schoolers...

What am I doing?! I have thousands of notes jotted down for my blog ideas and things to research. I don't know how to mess with the layout or make it look appealing. I don't know what I want my first post to be, but I already have several series ideas in different stages of development. I have pictures from my phone saved all over so that when I do get the blog going, I can add some of my own real life images... Should the first post be about my cryptic pregnancy? Or about birthing a baby in my pants? Or should I take it way back to my beautiful childhood? Do I start out with resources for PostPartum Mood and Anxiety Disorder? Or a post that will require a trigger warning right off the bat? Or maybe I could just spew out a quick list of fun facts about myself?

Then my mind wanders to my audience. Is the market too saturated with "Mommy Bloggers"? Why would other moms want to read what I have to say when there are so many other great mom blogs? Could my target audience be young adults or teens? I have advice, but golly sakes, am I qualified to give it out? Do I try to reach dudes? (Ha! Just kidding! I would have no clue how to captivate the typical male audience)

There are so many "what if's" and things to think about behind the scenes... It's intimidating to me, and you want me to tackle it while pouring out my heart and making sure we all have clean underwear? Yikes!

... But the desire to be heard and the need to write has been in my soul for as long as I can remember. The desire is getting stronger and has actually started to be louder than the anxiety, so I am just going to start typing and see where the words take me. Give my brain some relief, while also over-thinking every single letter that is added to this screen.

The excuses keep running, but I have to start somewhere, so I might as well start here, on this free little space where I can use my freedom of speech to free my mind... Or I can use it to make a fool of myself. Who knows?

Thank you for stopping by! 💗💗

~J