Bradley The Hottie

For those of you that are new here or didn't see our updates on Facebook or Social Media-- I'm sorry. 

It has been crazy weird at our home for the last {checks watch} several years... But our most recent adventures revolve around a sudden "cardiac event" that my (healthy) 38 year old husband (Brad) experienced January 15 (3&1/2 weeks ago, as of this posting). I'm far too wordy to be able to give a normal update like "Hey all, Brad's alive but still has a way to go before he has his normal energy again" ..... I suppose some day I might fill in the extra details in this blog space, but that day is not today...

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With regular social media updates, I feel like there are a lot of missing pieces and a lot of questions still. Throw in the different people we've talked to and updated on different days of this endeavor, I can not even begin to remember who knows what or how much anyone has been updated. This is my brain-fog, lack of sleep, crazy-distracted attempt to bring as many of you up to speed as possible...

Several of our friends and family are in the medical field and know all the things; several have been dealing with heart issues (or other health issues) long enough that they know most of the things; but lots of our family and friends won't know any of this until they are listening to their doctors throw around medical terms and diagnoses (dx's) that sound like a scary Latin disease.

So, before I get to Brad's dx, I'm going to "quick" touch on some of our Coronary Buzz Words. If you are already a medically fancy sort of person (or if you don't find it interesting) Brad was dx'd with A-Fib w/ RVR. Feel free to scroll down to "Back To Brad's DX"

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    Jessie's Medical Dictionary (AKA random jargon she has learned and uses to sound fancy): 

        Arrhythmia- Not normal heart beat (could be too fast, too slow, or irregular rhythm)

        Palpitations- Fast/ strong/ irregular heart beats 

        Premature Contractions- Specific types of arrhythmias. They are extra beats that begin in either your ventricles (PVCs) or your atria (PAC's)

        Resting Heart Rate- Your heart rate (HR) when you are just chilling out 

        Sinus Rhythm- Normal heart rate ("normal" range is 60-100 Beats Per Minute)

        Bradycardia- Slow heart rate (under 60 bpm)

        Tachycardia- Fast heart rate (over 100 bpm)

        Ventricular Tachycardia- Mega fast heart rate (over 170 bpm)

        There are TONS of types of arrhythmias & tachycardias- the fancy names typically indicate where the misfires are originating from. Some are a big time emergency & require immediate intervention, some are smaller things that you should take note of and mention to your dr. I'm pretty sure 99.83% of them feel scary when you aren't sure what is going on. I have PVCs and PACs. Sometimes they feel like pounding, sometimes fluttering, sometimes they hurt, and sometimes the only reason I'm aware of them is because I feel super winded. My biggest triggers are poor sleep, anxiety, & dehydration...

        Cardiac Catheter- It's a medical procedure where a catheter (small tube/ hose) goes to your heart. (Also called "heart catheter/ cath" or "coronary angiogram") 

        Heart Ablation- medical procedure where they "zap" a spot in your heart to stop the crazy electrical signals (Sort of a permanent Ritalin for spastic atria. It causes scar tissue, so you are limited in the amount you can get. I believe my cardiologist said he won't do more than 3. Most people that need an ablation only need one.)

        Cardiac Stress Test- This is a super fun test that monitors how your heart handles physical stress. You get patches of skin shaved, then "exfoliated" with sand paper so that you can have heart monitor leads stuck to you... Then you sprint to your almost death. On an inclined treadmill. In front of people. And you aren't allowed to wear a sports bra. And then you jump off the treadmill onto a hospital bed and hold your breath for as long as you can (because after an intense cardio session, who doesn't want to hold their breath as their lungs are screaming?) while an ultrasound tech gets pictures and videos of your ticker...

Now on to the updates:

What we know... (AKA kind of know AKA things we've heard, but don't actually understand AKA how my brain has interpreted all the things (PEOPLE!! I am not a doctor. All the medical knowledge I have was either learned in massage school decades ago, something Google told me, or things I've kind-of made up as I tried to listen to the real professionals talk))- Brad was diagnosed with Atrial Fibrillation (A-Fib/ AF) with Rapid Ventricular Rate (RVR). 

    A-Fib According to Jessie: *An electrical issue where your heart beat is erratic (it dances to the beat of it's own drum... and that drum has no sense of rhythm) *Your atrium (upper chambers of your heart) are kinda spazzing out (has worse ADHD than I do) *The atrium doesn't pump fully, so blood will just kinda stay in the area (I think it's like those annoying low-pressure, environmentally friendly toilets... They gently swirl the water <if it's yellow, let it mellow> when we've eaten too much cheese for the last few days and we actually need them to power-wash it all down.) 

    RVR According To Jessie: *The ventricles (lower chambers of your heart) are seeing the Atrium slack off & spazz out and they get confused as heck, which makes them angry... So they do this rage-pulse, but they do it SUPER fast... Like Jimmy John's ain't got nothin' on these guys. *They are out of control and get tired, but like an exhausted toddler, they may very well keep going until they crash... (We don't want crashes...)

    A-Fib is pretty common... If you are in your 60's or older. Not so common when you are a fairly healthy 38 year old. (His cardiologist has had "some" patients younger than Brad with this condition, but the way he phrased it & the tone he used didn't make me feel any better.)

    A-Fib alone isn't necessarily an urgent cause for concern. Many people live with A-Fib, some people aren't even aware they have it! (BUT! Since it means your heart is working harder than normal, it is something that should be addressed, so make sure you are going to your regular check-ups- even if you feel fine)  The RVR part of his dx is what gets tricky (and confusing when you are just starting this journey).It's one thing watching a tired toddler have a sugar rush and go nutso. You know that waiting it out just a little longer will bring that deep, sweet sleep... But we're talking about hearts, not our little angels... 

    Danger zones: I've mentioned the different terms for heart rates and some of the arrhythmias, but I haven't touched much on why Brad's A-Fib w/ RVR is scary and I haven't said anything at all about his blood pressure (BP) yet. These are some things that we've learned (and are still learning) in regards to our specific health. Every body is different and every body will react differently to different things. Brad's heart stuff is all new to us and we are at the very beginning stages of whatever the heck is going on... 

    When everything started for Brad -well, when the "scary" stuff started, on January 15- he said he was light-headed, short of breath, and had extreme fatigue. At first I blew it off as "typical" palpitations. He asked if my palpitations ever cause chest pain, so I told him that when my upper chambers freak out, it hurts; when my lower chambers freak out, it doesn't. I told him to lay down, drink water, and after I switched laundry I would check his pulse and see how often he was misfiring. Then I remembered that he felt "off" earlier in the day, he sort of had stomach issues or heart burn, but an over-all malaise that he couldn't quite explain, as well as a backache that wasn't normal for him. As I started to remember the complaints from earlier, he rubbed his left arm and asked if my palpitations caused numbness. As I told him that he was going to the hospital, it was apparent that he was struggling with confusion and I noticed that he started to slur his words. Had I not been so focused on trying to remember CPR (Compress to the beat as you sing it with me friends-- "Ah, ah, ah, ah stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Blah-blee-blah-blah-blah-blah. Stayin' alive, stayin' aaaaliiiiii-i-i-i-vvve" {breath, breath} aaannnddd repeat until paramedics arrive... Sure, you could do "Another One Bites The Dust"... But I felt like maybe singing that while doing chest compressions on my hubby... In front of the kids... Would be a bit on the dark side of humor...); I would have been frantically searching stroke signs on Google (FAST- Face drooping; Arm weakness; Speech slurred; Time to call 911- pronto!)

    -Anyway- 

Back to Brad's DX... At the hospital his BP got scary high even after he had a bag of BP lowering medication (190/100 and then later 170/120+) and his resting HR got into the 170's. I thought we were all holding our breath because he was about to have a heart attack. I didn't realize that there were a whole lot more things to be concerned about. Remember A-Fib & the low pressure toilet scenario? Blood will get "stagnant", because it's not getting flushed/ pumped out, right? Well, stagnant blood forms clots (Thrombus). A heart that is spazzing out can easily throw a small clot that can lodge itself somewhere else in the heart (blockages, heart attack) in the lungs (Pulmonary Embolism), or in the brain (stroke). On top of all of that, your BP is at stroke levels if the upper number (systolic) is 180+ OR the lower number (diastolic) is 120+ (for us that are medically fake-fancy, it's called Hypertensive Crisis.) 

    

    So now we know WHAT is going on... 

What we don't know... The problem is that we don't know WHY it's happening or HOW to make it stop, among other things. 

    What started it all? We aren't sure. There are several things that have been mentioned as possible causes... 

    He drives garbage trucks and needs a Commercial Driver's License Class B (CDL-B) license for work. He also needs a medical card that proves he is healthy enough to drive a big, high-risk vehicle. There are several medical requirements- one of which is a healthy, controlled blood pressure. Brad has had borderline high blood pressure (hypertension) that we have been watching for a while. Just over a year ago, he started taking his health a little more seriously, and then 11 months ago we switched to a low sodium diet. Side note- the low sodium diet and my increased exercise, plus the heart meds I was taking made me start passing out because my blood pressure would drop too low (hypotension). His blood pressure dropped back into a healthy range- until December or so, when he went in for a med card renewal. 

    Four days before his first ER trip, he started on a medication to reduce his blood pressure. Several medical personal didn't think those meds would cause the a-fib/rvr.

    Every day for the last 20+ years he has been taking the same stimulant medication for his ADHD- and stimulants are known to *stimulate* the heart. So, was it an interaction with the BP meds?

    We have heard about links between Covid and heart stuff or Covid vaccines causing heart issues. We all had Covid in August and all of his recent tests have been negative. <Long story short> Due to (several random things- one of which is my heart issues) reasons we have chosen to wait on the vaccine.

    Family history is also something that is mentioned quite a bit. As far as genetics go, we have both absolutely won the lottery... Except for a complicated list of things when it comes to heart health. However, Brad's cardiologist isn't convinced that genetics can be blamed for an otherwise healthy 38 year old to have a sudden onset of a-fib/rvr.

    How do we get it under control? Not sure yet. For now we have to figure out what his triggers are and how to reduce them. After a second visit to the ER, he received a ZioPatch (high-tech heart monitor sticker). After being in active a-fib for over 24 hours last Weds-Thurs, he (finally) got on the schedule for a stress test to see if we can get more information and a sleep study to see if he has any sleep apnea that would be adding to the problem. Both of those tests will happen this week. Since he is still having quality of life issues, he will be starting his fourth (fifth?) med change in 3 & 1/2 weeks.

And that brings me to...

    How he is currently doing: He feels like he is doing 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. We are told that he is safe, but that with any changes we should head in to the ER. Except the last time we went to the ER, they acted like we were hypochondriacs and told us that a-fib is normal. One morning Brad woke up at 4am, gasping and clutching his chest because the chest pain was so bad it woke him up. We called the after hours nurse and we were told that we could go in to the ER or we could wait until his cardiologist office was open. At that point he was in A-fib for over 24 hours, with chest pain, a resting heart rate of 130, fatigue, breathless, and light-headed. As I packed a bag for the hospital, he started to feel a little better, so we decided to wait until we could call the cardiologist. (That was the call that got the tests scheduled, but not much else)

    We still don't have parameters for when he should go in; we don't know what to do to try to counter the active a-fib, other than what I do for my PVC's/PAC's.

    He is constantly exhausted with frequent bouts of all the symptoms. He isn't legally allowed to drive commercially, because of the med card and DOT regulations (and he's been humble enough to admit when he isn't comfortable driving his personal vehicle). Once again his bosses have been absolutely amazing, (Shout out to Arrowaste!) and that does a lot for his morale. They have given him some odd jobs around the shop, and force "encourage" him to take breaks as needed. He is used to working 12+ hour days and usually chose not to take a break, but now he only works up to 8-ish hours a day and actually takes his breaks. Since we are a single income family, we feel the pinch of losing his typical overtime pay, but we are so grateful that Arrowaste sees their employees as people, not just as numbers.

    There are days where he moves around a bit more and gets cocky or sarcastic and I feel like he is pulling out of it, but it seems that one or two of those days in a row mean one or two days in bed followed by an extra slow day. 

    Mmm'k. Now what? I'm not sure. Realistically, there are pretty high chances that he will need an ablation. And will hopefully get that soon. Most of the questions we have can't really be answered until we get the results back from the heart monitor and the upcoming tests. We don't know how long results will take or if we can get a follow up with his cardiologist before the first week of March. I'm also not clear on how long after an ablation he will have to wait before he can be reevaluated for his med card for work.

.......

The rest of us-

    Anxiety triggers my heart stuff AND anxiety over-rides my ADHD medication, so most days I'm stuck in a pretty thick brain fog. Emotionally I'm somewhere in between survival mode & being emotionally numb, and in denial & trying to figure out what habits to start now just in case our new normal is long term. I will get frustrated with waiting and then 2 minutes later my catastrophic thinking will take me on a wild adventure. 

    On January 4, Arend got a concussion and was still getting daily headaches when all of the heart stuff started. Plus he and Adaya are doing online school, so they need to keep up with their classes (there is a whole list of prayers needed with just that situation...). William is able to be fairly self-sufficient, but Titus and Nellie still need one on one for 99% of their schooling. I don't have the brain space to do that, constantly redirect the others, take on household chores, research all of the foreign-sounding medical stuff, get people to appointments, and other life things... So, the younger three are basically doing their spring break right now. 

    Outside of school being a bit hap-hazard, we've seen an increase in the kids with things like sibling rivalry/ fights, screaming, disrespect, insomnia, and brutally negative self-talk. Everyone's ADHD is less controlled; my sensory kiddo seems to be regressing with self-regulation and any sort of "sensory tolerance" (which includes what foods he will try, and I'm getting concerned about weight loss); in the past two of my kiddos have shown small degrees of defiance, (similar to mild attachment disorders- due to my severe, long-term postpartum mood and anxiety disorder) and we are seeing some of those behaviors resurface as well, and that naturally chips away at already frazzled nerves. 

But!! We aren't wallowing in self-pity all the time... January 15 God showed up in a very real way for me. I have anxiety that can take on a life of it's own and I'm a professional catastrophic thinker. As I realized that there was a very real problem, with very dire outcomes possible, God poured His peace over me while also instilling a sense of urgency. Before we got to the hospital, I had no fear. The timing of everything that day and the timing of certain texts messages and offers of help since then have lined up in such a divine way.

    The understanding of bosses, online teachers, people we volunteer with, sports coaches & teammates (several of us are competing at state for taekwondo & training has just recently intensified as our team prepares) and cast members (we are involved in our church [Evergreen Ministries]'s production of Treasure Island) has been a huge relief.

    The amount of people that have reached out & offered meals, rides, and hands-on help as well as those that have been praying is absolutely humbling. 

TLDR: Brad is still alive, we don't have a clue as to what is going on outside of that. Pray that the tests this week will reveal what needs to be revealed and we will get some clarity. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Thank you for the love, support, and prayers from the bottom of our {ADHD} hearts,

Jessie (and Brad and the kiddos)

Education Decisions

What are your school plans for this fall?

I had really been hoping that our school district would have a hybrid program (2 days in person & 3 at home). Naturally, that is not ideal for the majority of staff/ students/ parents- but it seems perfect for us, so that is what I was set on. Since hybrid isn't an option, I have a bajillion things to sort through. (Yes, "I"- Brad and I will discuss and decide together what we feel is best for our family, but he knows that I'm the one with the emotional turmoil, I'm the one that takes on the bulk of the daily school concerns and depending on what we decide, I'm the one that will be taking on almost all of the educating... Plus I'm the one writing this post...)

I have ALWAYS wanted to homeschool, so our decision should be pretty clear-cut, right? Well... the few feeble attempts that I have made at homeschooling have pretty much crushed my confidence. (My super healthy M.O. with a lot of things is that not trying is much more gentle then trying and failing- so when I do find the courage to try something and I don't get the dreamy results I envisioned, it cuts far too deep... but that's a whole different post for another day...)

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Backstory: Other than crisis schooling with the rest of the world, I attempted to "homeschool" when Arend was in preschool. Looking back, I had several challenges going against me- I felt very under-supported (I had well-meaning people that disagreed with my decision to homeschool and they voiced their concerns in a manner that felt harsh instead of loving. So when I stood up for my decision, instead of feeling supported regardless of differing opinions, I was fully aware of their disapproval.) I made up a curriculum that made sense to an adult, but it was too fast & harder than necessary and I didn't think about the fact that he was 3, Adaya was 1 & 1/2 and William was born a month into the school year (and he wound up having special needs that required a strict 2 hr feeding schedule). By the end of the school year Arend knew his colors, his shapes, the basics of an airplane cockpit and how to make toast (survival mode, ya'll)... Since he couldn't recognize his numbers or letters and was unable to write his name (at 3 years old...) it was decided that I didn't have what it takes to be a homeschool mom and I buried a lifelong dream. (Deep grief when there ins't an actual death is hard and confusing!) 

The last 7 or 8 years have allowed my feelings of inadequacy and failure to dig in and take root... Despite those roots being woven so deeply into my psyche, (even before quarantine,) the dream of homeschooling slowly, fearfully started coming back to life- Brad and I even talked about what needed to happen in order to attempt homeschooling (like getting in control of hoarding tendencies)... However, there was NO WAY I would ever have the courage to face those fears and take my kids out of school. 

When mid-March hit and schools were closed, I was slightly excited, but absolutely not ready. Despite the fact that I know there was SO. MUCH. MORE going on (like a pandemic and anxiety and other health stuff and the fun times of having 0 executive functioning skills b/c my ADHD meds are no longer effective...) than "just" choosing to homeschool, the shit-fest that ensued only seemed to confirm that I am fully inadequate at being in charge of my children's education... God may trust me with these babies- but somewhere there has to be a clause for standardized learning! 

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Anyway... This is what our school district is offering (currently Michigan is in "Phase 4- Improving" of the MI Safe Start Plan- if Michigan falls back to "Phase 3- Flattening", all face-to-face learning will switch to online) with some of my personal pros & cons:

In person- this would create the biggest sense of pre-COVID "normalcy" for the kids. It will have the greatest accountability, and be the easiest way to provide much needed structure. Plus, IEP's would be taken care of, learning will more likely stay on track and (as much as I can foresee) this option will actually be best for my anxiety (yes, even with the anxiety of a global pandemic- I don't get to pick what my brain freaks out over)... BUT masks will be required for hours on end (as of now, moving to "Phase 5- Containing" means masks will not be required, but still strongly recommended), all of the "what ifs" (What if a classmate tests positive- does the whole class need to quarantine and be tested? What if we go back to phase 3 & have to go back to online- how will my kids that need consistency handle that? Will the kiddos be able to run and play at school? Will masks be required for gym class? I have kids that will NOT thrive if they can't get on some play equipment and get their energy out; and wearing a mask on a "sensory day"? Not a chance.)

Online- accountability would still be there, some structure will be built in with "live" class times, I wouldn't have to figure out curricula, there will be no last minute "never mind your class is in quarantine", and no freaking out when a temp reads 99° or a kiddo has a cold (or is it COVID?!). There won't be as big of a concern about going backward to phase 3 and how that will trigger anyone. There big (like seriously HUGE) problems with the kids learning at home. For one, my ADHD is not currently being managed (we started to work on it, then I had heart problems, then started to get that under control and the whole world shut down...). Being thrown into online crisis learning was BEYOND challenging for some of my kiddos and I am fairly certain those early negative experiences will come back to haunt us. Then to top it all off there is something in my aura/ ju-ju/ energy vibes/ past life/ karma something that messes up all technology. No. Really. Devices work fine until I get too close and something dumb happens- until I physically hit the tech-thingy like a caveman, it will not function properly. 🤷‍♀️

And then there is our final option...

Homeschooling- this would mean that we would pull the kids from the district and do our own thing. It gives me the greatest freedom to teach what I want, where I want, how & when I want; and it's been a lifelong dream... But is the fact that I want to homeshcool clouding my judgement of what is best for the kids? I have the biggest fear of failing my kiddos (not giving failing grades, but failing to provide for their educational, emotional, and social needs- all very valid concerns). What if we decide to homeschool and all of those fears come true? What if my kids hold it against me for long into adulthood? 

I would love to sit here and announce that I'm standing up to the fear and taking this head on... 

But this post isn't a victory cry or celebration. It may seem so clear cut, but there are so many complicated, intricate details and right now my anxieties won't stop screaming for attention.

Side note: homeschooling has no built-in structure, I have no executive functioning skills... and have you ever read "Lord Of The Flies"?! Umm... yeah...

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Other "I over think everything" factors: 

-I feel like if we don't have our kids in face to face schooling, I'm isolating them from their friends even more. It kills me that they don't get to see their friends. (And they will probably turn out to be socially awkward and hold it against me forever)

-I cannot provide the knowledge or expertise that trained teachers can. Sure I can Google all the things, but I don't have the psychological understanding or the quick "this worked before, let's try it" bag of tricks that comes with experience

-Where would I set up a school space? (I had just begun to work on my hoarding tendencies before shut-down, add in ADHD, kids all over 24/7 and other fluke issues, there is no way "set it up this weekend" will work for us. It will take weeks and due to my weird "all or nothing" procrastinating perfectionist personality, there isn't much hope of an organized area that I will think is good enough...)

-I have the privilege of being able to stay home. That is not lost on me. So, if I send my kids, am I taking the spots of families that don't have this luxury? I partly feel obligated to keep them home because I can, but is that what is best for them?

-We have had great teachers so far, what if I homeschool and turn out to be the teacher we have hoped to avoid!?

-No one has told me how suspension works if you homeschool...

-All of my perceived failures are LOUD a-holes and steal so much of my attention

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So... there you have it. What are your plans for the fall? What are your hesitations and hopes? Is anyone else all over the place like I am? No? Just me? That's cool...

Thank you for sitting through this novel while I try to process all the things!

Health Updates

This post is basically to update friends and family on all of the things going on in the last 2 months or so regarding our health, so it probably won't be the most fascinating read in history...
***Side note: the kiddos had their well childs all together recently, and that is why we "all of a sudden" have some specialists to see...

Arend (11)  and Eleanor (3) have been healthy (outside of the random active kid bumps & bruises and occasional colds) so there really is no update there

Adaya (9) has fairly obvious undiagnosed ADHD, due to life circumstances (thank you, severe postpartum) we haven't pursued a diagnosis because it wasn't going to change our plan of action. We weren't interested in medicating her until we felt meds were necessary. After parent teacher conferences we have decided to pursue a diagnosis and use western medicine for now. Praying that things line up quickly and that meds can be figured out with ease!
Adaya also has kidney reflux. She hasn't had a kidney infection since summer and that is a huge answer to prayer! Years ago we were at the dr every other month. Now, equipped with some natural remedies, more acute observation of early warning symptoms, and her having better knowledge of hygiene, we have done great with keeping UTI's at bay. However, it is time for her to meet with her urologist to assess kidney function. --- At 4 years old, she had Grade 3 (out of 5) reflux- my basic understanding is that the "flappy valve" (totally real medical term...) doesn't work properly, so when she pees, the valve allows urine to back flow. A grade 3 means urine goes up the ureter (the kidney-to-bladder "hose") and into the renal pelvis (the funnel from the kidney to the ureter) and then causes some mild swelling. ((I'm sorry to all of my medical people. This is how I explain it to my kiddos...)) The urology appointment will assess her reflux (by inserting a dye via catheter, taking x-rays, then having her use the restroom and x-ray the location of the dye again) to determine whether or not she will need surgery to correct the problem.

William (8) has been doing well with self-regulation and his sensory processing disorder. We are also approaching the need to test for ADHD, but there is a lot going on, so that is placed on the "get to it soon-ish" list instead of the "now" list.
The bigger/ more urgent concern for William is his lack of growth. We had a bone age assessment done about a month and a half ago and it showed him just over 2 years behind. He has never been a big kid (failure to thrive as an infant even), but this year it has been magnified and is starting to effect his self-esteem. As a mom my heart breaks when he has no friends or he is in tears and ready to fight strangers at a play ground because they are teasing him. There are only so many times you can say "People are mean because they have a sadness in their heart" and there are only so many times you can encourage your child to not let their anger and "wild" get so big that it explodes. His size is getting in the way of him thriving and we decided it was time to stop saying "he's a late bloomer". So William met with a pediatric endocrinologist (basically a doctor of all things glands and hormones), had a whole load of blood work done, and met with a dietitian. He has a (very slight) allergy to milk, the rest of the blood work came back negative. So now we bulk up the calories and add real butter or olive oil to most of his meals and add in a kid-friendly protein shake. (For those of you wondering, we can add any healthy oil, but the other oils I have on had make him gag, so EVO and butter it is!) We will have a follow-up with the dietitian in 6 weeks and a follow up with the endocrinologist in 6 months. Hopefully we can pack some weight on my tiny kiddo- I think he is starting to look a bit sickly, but part of that might be from the trauma of him being rail-thin as an infant?

Titus (5.5) poor Titus! He looks healthy and acts age appropriate (usually). With discipline we are noticing what seems to be some attachment issues stemming from my PostPartum, so I am currently waiting to hear back from insurance in regards to play therapy or something along those lines to help my sweet boy be his best self. So that is in "wait and research" stages of development.
Titus' most obvious problem has to do with... potty training! "What??!! Your almost 6 yr old isn't potty trained??!!" ... Actually, he is. That is part of the problem. Why did my potty trained kiddo all of a sudden pee every. single. night? And then start having accidents during the day? Usually small, sometimes big, always with me right there either encouraging him to go potty and not ignore it or with me blaming him for not caring... Then the poop streaks started. "Ti! Make sure you wipe after you poop on the potty, dude!" Then the smell! THEN the full on poop accidents... That's when I remember a brave, sweet, warrior Mama-Bear talking a little bit about her fight against encopresis. (My "totally medical" explanation: major constipation due to diet, fear of pain from pooping, fear of the toilet, holding it for too long and so on; long story short, eventually causes uncontrolled leaking. It also irritates the bladder and can cause urinary incontinence as well as fecal incontinence.) So many things lined up and it made sense! We talked to his doctor and got an official diagnosis. At this point, Titus can't even feel the urge to poop. Sometimes he thinks he may have to fart, but the stretching of the colon has caused nerve damage. We are finally clearing out some of the blockage and have been having a crappy new year. (!HA! I think I'm so funny!) So the hope is that over the next little bit we will have everything cleaned out and then the actual healing can begin. It is expected to take 6 months to a year for his colon to return to normal. Until then, we work on potty time consistency and pray protection over his self esteem. He's already "teased" by people for "wearing diapers to bed" (we very specifically call them 'bedtime underwear' so that he doesn't feel even worse about being unable to control this.) He's been disciplined and handed so many consequences over the last year for something that was totally out of his control. I definitely get sick of splooshing undies in the toilet, but at least now I'm not giving him the third degree for it. I know how hard it is to let people down because of a side effect from a sickness and I feel awful for my part in that with Titus. However, he has a big forgiving heart and is young enough/ resilient enough that we can counter-act a lot it.
(More info on encopresis)

Brad has no real health updates- just the typical stuff from beating up his body with his job. That man makes it a goal to get 5 hours of sleep each night. I get angry with less than 7...

My health- this post is so long already guys, I'm sorry! I'm going to cut out a lot of details here, for now, but basically I noticed a change in my hormone cycle and my symptoms. After ignoring it all for months, I finally talked to my doctor and had an ultrasound that found a spot in my uterine lining. Nothing serious, (cysts, fibroids or endometriosis) but getting in the way of daily life. So I met with a specialist for a biopsy... Only they didn't have time for a biopsy and he decided to give me meds instead. Against my better judgment and with an immense lack of information/ misinformation from the doctor, I felt pressured to get the Depo Provera shot. DO. NOT. GET. DEPO. I was told that the only side effect was weight gain. I just lost 50 pounds. I don't want to gain weight... But usually the gain is only 5-10 pounds. Ok, I can handle that. Go ahead and pump me full of enough synthetic hormones to get me though three full cycles... I didn't want it, I wanted to think about it and research it, but I felt like a burden and I'm not in the medical field, so I guess go ahead...
... The extreme, blinding rage and suicidal ideation only lasted for 10 days- but those 10 days were all sorts of PTSD triggering full of PostPartum flashbacks and anxiety attacks. It was not pretty. But my hormones leveled out... Except for the nightly hot flashes and the fatigue... Oh! And the super fun rare side effect of heart issues kicked in. I have palpitations (feels like my heart will either double-beat or skip a beat) totally normal. Unless it is accompanied with a racing heart, dizziness, light-headedness, weakness, confusion or shortness of breath... And I had all of that. ((People interested in the medical stuff: Sinus arrhythmia with premature ventricular contractions; 115 bpm while sitting down sipping water, and the PVCs were every 6- 10 beats)). After 3 ER visits in a week and a half, I was finally placed on a heart monitor for a month. ER visit #4 I finally got started on a beta-blocker and they told me (a week before Christmas) to lower my stress... Ha! Now I don't notice the palpitations and I can catch my breath when I take stairs. However, a symptom of heart stuff is fatigue, a side effect of the Depo is fatigue, and a side effect of the beta-blocker is fatigue. Plus, I got a cold from the kids and since I ignore my health, it turned into an upper respiratory infection...
The fun icing on this cake? Our insurance was full coverage until Dec. 1, and then we started a new plan... Dec 1 was the first ER visit. You guys, I work 20 hours a month. My ENTIRE yearly income is less than what our HSA deductible is. So every hour I worked for an entire year won't even cover the costs of the side effects from one shot... The shot is in my system with no antidote for 3-5 months. It also hasn't relieved my initial symptoms, so I need to have follow-ups for my heart and my uterus.

I have tried to have a good attitude, but my attitude is slowly draining with my energy levels. PostPartum took so much from us for so many years and I was/ am finally able to step up and advocate for my kiddos' health and education and my health... And now here we are. Ugh!

... It's not all gloom and doom though. We had a prom for my work party and the only way to carry a heart monitor while wearing a formal gown is... in a pink glitter fanny pack!!! (Well, I guess you could use a plain fanny pack, but why would you want to?!)

 Brad hates the fanny pack 😆


I think that is all for now... At least I hope it is--- because I have to leave for another doctor appointment!

Blessings!
~J

Why I Don't Blog

I want to be a blogger. Not just "Look friends! I posted an update", but I want to have a blog that helps pay some bills. I want to get all of the thoughts out of my brain and I want to share (most of) those thoughts with other people. A lot of times I have something to say... But sometimes I don't.
Or I have something to say, but someone has already said it and they have said it in a fantastic way.
Or I have something I want to say, but I don't know how to formulate the words. Or maybe I'm scared about what So-And-So may say... And I have a lot of So-And-So's in my life that I allow to speak straight to my soul. What if So-And-So gets angry or disagrees or... what if they think I'm awful?

I can give you words. I can give you stories- some will rip out your heart, some will make you pee your pants; some aren't mine to share, most are first hand experience... But... I don't have a camera other than my smart phone. I don't have a laptop, either. So when I write it is either pen & paper or on my desk top in my distractingly messy office. I'm (mostly) a Stay-At-Home-Mom, so I have the added blessing of screaming "For the last time, GO. TO. SLEEP" at my (usually) adorable offspring... I also get concerned with what happens if I run out of things to say.

I daydream about being able to wax-poetic and partake in philosophical discussions. I imagine myself blossoming into an inspirational speaker... Sometimes, I even dare to think about what my first TED talk will be. I think about how I will write the dedication in my first book. Then, when I realize that the water for the mac & cheese has boiled over, I typically scale back the daydreams to speaking at my old high school. Or maybe just a small group of high schoolers...

What am I doing?! I have thousands of notes jotted down for my blog ideas and things to research. I don't know how to mess with the layout or make it look appealing. I don't know what I want my first post to be, but I already have several series ideas in different stages of development. I have pictures from my phone saved all over so that when I do get the blog going, I can add some of my own real life images... Should the first post be about my cryptic pregnancy? Or about birthing a baby in my pants? Or should I take it way back to my beautiful childhood? Do I start out with resources for PostPartum Mood and Anxiety Disorder? Or a post that will require a trigger warning right off the bat? Or maybe I could just spew out a quick list of fun facts about myself?

Then my mind wanders to my audience. Is the market too saturated with "Mommy Bloggers"? Why would other moms want to read what I have to say when there are so many other great mom blogs? Could my target audience be young adults or teens? I have advice, but golly sakes, am I qualified to give it out? Do I try to reach dudes? (Ha! Just kidding! I would have no clue how to captivate the typical male audience)

There are so many "what if's" and things to think about behind the scenes... It's intimidating to me, and you want me to tackle it while pouring out my heart and making sure we all have clean underwear? Yikes!

... But the desire to be heard and the need to write has been in my soul for as long as I can remember. The desire is getting stronger and has actually started to be louder than the anxiety, so I am just going to start typing and see where the words take me. Give my brain some relief, while also over-thinking every single letter that is added to this screen.

The excuses keep running, but I have to start somewhere, so I might as well start here, on this free little space where I can use my freedom of speech to free my mind... Or I can use it to make a fool of myself. Who knows?

Thank you for stopping by! 💗💗

~J

Soo... We got a dog...

*This blog has not been updated in a billion years... This post started out as a Facebook status, but got waaaayyy too long. Apparently I had a lot to say!*

So... A couple of weeks ago, this happened...

After [2.5-4 years] a lot of asking/ begging/ negotiating (and nightly prayers and monthly letters to Santa...), things fell into place for us to get a puppy. 

The original plan was to get a puppy before Wrigley started to show his old age- Wrigs could help "train" the puppy, the puppy would keep Wrigs playful & the puppy would be a great comforter after Wrigs died... 

Then we had the opportunity to be temporary guardians of a teenager AND found ourselves halfway through an unexpected pregnancy- needing to furnish a nursery, as well as buy a vehicle big enough for 5 car seats & 3 adults in 3 months time...

Add in my extreme postpartum mood & anxiety disorder- complicated with OCD, PTSD, suicidal ideation and more; a puppy was placed WAY on the back burner. 

8 months later Wrigley passed away when we thought we were starting to see the end of the PMAD journey. When we buried him, we buried small pieces of us. (Some of those pieces we didn't even know were gone until Theo came.) I decided then that I was never going to get another dog. Wrigley was perfect for our young family and losing him hurt more than I realized. There was no way we would find another dog to fill his void.

However, for the last year+ I have had 4 of my 5 kids, my hubby and even friends tell me why we needed another dog. My quick answer was "I'm overwhelmed with the blessings I have and I'm allergic to dogs" -all of this happening while I researched hypoallergenic dogs, dogs that won't snap in half when a 6 year old elbow drops them, and breeds that are good for emotional support/ therapy. 

William's "sensory outbursts" were getting more frequent and scary- there were several times he told me he wanted to die. My heart ripped apart every time thinking that my PMAD had ruined my sweet sensitive boy. Then I started asking different questions. 

He didn't want to die forever, he wanted to visit Wrigley in Heaven. When Wrigs died, William lost his best friend, his favorite soft sensory item and his weighted blanket. I had totally overlooked the fact that Wrigley wasn't just a pet, he was also William's therapy- well, all of ours really.

After all of this I knew we needed a dog- but I needed a dog that we knew the history of (how would the dog handle a sudden screaming outburst and hug attack?), so a shelter dog made me nervous; we needed a dog that we could train from the start to meet our needs and to be able to handle our unique household, so anything older than 6 months wasn't our ideal. I'm allergic to dogs and still overwhelmed with the house and a Shelty, like Wrigs, has So. Much. Fur! So what breed do we go with? I prayed and researched and prayed some more about what direction to take. There were so many intricate things that a dog for our family would need to fit.

God answered the breed question while we were visiting my parents at a campground- their "neighbors" had a labradoodle. It was cute, soft and fairly hypoallergenic... THEN!! William went up to this stranger's dog, wrapped his arms around the dog's neck and then dropped his full weight and hung. 

My heart stopped because I thought for sure his face would get chewed off!

 ... but the dog stood still and took it. She looked a bit annoyed, but didn't try to get William off or retaliate. Nothing. Just stood there as if she knew William needed something warm and fuzzy to squeeze. I didn't know if I should cry or cuss, but at that moment I was ready to cash in my IRA for that dog.

After searching the pros/ cons and costs of labradoodles and emotional support dogs, I decided (yeah- I didn't actually discuss any of this with Brad- yet) that we would tap into our savings and get an emotional support dog. [Labradoodle puppies typically range from $800-$1200.] 

I found a breeder 20-30 minutes away, with puppies in the $800 range and several dog trainers in the area, then I worked up an ADHD version of a cost analysis. I was going to low key meet the breeder and the puppies before mentioning to Brad that we were getting a puppy. (I knew he would get a pup before I would even get a chance to finish telling him, so I needed things lined up first) I messaged the breeder and got several red flags ("I ain't got none dogs now but I can get some I jus need $200 deposit cash how many dogs u want" then the next day "So u want a dog or not" was a response that didn't sit well with me...). 

After more prayer and searching, I found a breeder that was 2-3 hrs away. [She has 2 female poodles and only does 1-2 litters a year AND was raising the puppies with her family- so not a puppy mill; hugely important!] She had also reduced the price of her pups because they were 11 weeks old. I messaged her a million questions about how the dogs would handle being treated like Mexican wrestlers, being forced to snuggle and how they would do for anxiety- she answered every question in a timely, calm fashion. She shared that she was trying to get some of her pups into service dog training, then she googled reputable therapy dog training centers in our area. (AND she used punctuation...) I finally sent the info to Brad (while he was working, naturally,) and he called me in 2 minutes time.   We discussed logistics and long term budget and if we were really ready for a puppy.

THEN I found out that not only was the breeder more than happy to meet half way... she also likes to do a "goodwill dog" with each litter- basically she & her husband pick a family and offer a discount so that the adopting family has extra money to go toward therapy training... She picked us  So we basically paid for part of the stud fee and vet bills. AND he's house broken!

WHAT?!?!

Without further ado, I would like to introduce you all to 

Henry Theo Epstein Stolte [Call name: Theo]

God heard our cries and knew our needs; and in His perfect way brought us Theo.

***A few days after Theo came home, William was having a 'sensory day' and things escalated very quickly. He was in the throws of a melt down and I was unable to help. I took a deep breath and prepared myself to bear hug a thrashing Hulk-child... Instead I brought Theo over and laid him on William's lap- instantly William started bawling and burrowed his face into Theo, telling Theo about his hard day. Within 3 minutes, Theo accomplished what would have taken me 20 minutes.

***The breeder from Heaven: Rae @ Remi's Doodles

Happy Birthday, Chica Baby!!

My sweet baby girl is two years old today. Two years! Chica Baby is all diva, all princess, all mommy-wanna-be. Occasionally she will get on her hands and knees to push a car around, but usually she is prancing around in necklaces and tucking dollies in bed. She loves to dance and throw (sometimes cute) fits. She will turn any bowl into a fashionable Kentucky Derby hat and empty all the shoe bins to find the perfect pair... She can turn my hard-working husband into a babbling pile of mush. I mean, who else can make a grown man give a gentle kiss to a scribbled on, dirty, matted doll?

And this girl is beautiful! I have read the articles on not complimenting a young girl's looks, but instead talking to her and letting her know she is smart... But seriously! This child is jaw-dropping, stop-you-dead in your tracks, gorgeous! She is smart, kind, gentle, and willful, and I tell her that... But she smiles and you can't help get lost in her beautiful innocence! We will have our hands full!! (Hubby has been practicing what he will say to "potential suitors".) =)

When I found out about Chica Baby, I cried. I had gotten pregnant right after my miscarriage and I was scared. I also felt SO guilty, I hadn't wanted this pregnancy, I wanted the one I lost. God used Chica Baby to help heal my bleeding heart. It was because of that pregnancy that I needed to start making smart choices again. I had another little life to look after and it wasn't fair to take my pain out on this unborn child. Slowly, the deepest, darkest pain lifted as I focused on Chica Baby. We had some random scares and a hospitalization while I was pregnant with her. Labor and delivery for her was not at all "text book" and wound up being med-free. It was the hardest labor (re-read med-free!!) complete with my Dr almost passing out...

Drama has followed this sweet girl since before she was born. So many laughs and groans. Tears of pain and tears of pure joy. She is one of the few people that can unknowingly make me laugh until I... almost pee my pants...

Her birthday tv-time is done now, so I am going to sign off and go have a birthday dance party in the living room!

Happy birthday, Chica, Mommy loves you forever!

My (never) Clean Home

This blog was going to be my daily nap time break from the real world... And here I sit almost a month since the terrible, horrible poop-face experience! I was going to post pictures of my not quite Rachel Ray meals with great recipe ideas... I was going to post pictures of me with a fake smile as I made my own homemade laundry detergent... And of course how-to's of not quite Martha Stewart fitted sheet folding experiences... But here I am... Almost a month later... No great inspiring readings or "Aha!" type moments... Just one busy, slightly crazed mama!! It's amazing how many ideas I have that can help save the world from disorganized, dirty homes and unhealthy eating habits... Here's the thing...

I don't do any of that.

I have 3 different systems for doing laundry everyday... However, they only work if you follow through...

I have a menu board with a grocery list and recipes attached... But hot dogs and sandwiches are SO much easier!

I have a new dishwasher... But somehow the dirty dishes collect on the counter because the sink is over flowing...

If you were to come over right now (and I let you in the house...) you would get covered in dog fur and find yourself changing a diaper for me so that I could quick clean the toilet. There will be dirty socks on the kitchen floor, Bug's clean underwear on a couch, Chicka Baby's sippy cup with some unknown substance... And of course, sticks and other "nature" items in the bathtub. I would offer you food and then pretend that smores is a great treat for special guests... Want something to drink? We have... water, milk, or formula... I might be able to dig a frozen juice out of the deep freeze...

Don't get me wrong, I have it all together... The only problem is that it's all together, all over the house... Give me a few minutes and I might be able to find it... Never mind... The cat ate it, I'm sure...

I LOVE having people over. I am in my glory when people are here... If they give me an hour (or a week...) to warn me that they are coming. If you call 10 minutes ahead, I promise to light a candle and hide the dirty dishes quickly before I throw all the stuff on the kitchen table into a laundry basket and hide it in the office...

If you just show up... This is your warning...
You are entering a real house with messy kids, crazy animals, and a side-tracked mama.
                                                Enter at your own risk!

I am just now getting to the point of accepting my messiness. I'm not condoning it, I'm just not crying about it as frequently. I am getting better at controlling it. Two years ago I would be classified as a level 1, boarder line level 2 hoarder. (The classifications can be found here)

For some reason it is truly hard for me to clean... I fight it like the way Chicka fights her veggies. I just have so many other fun things to do.

I could give you a thousand excuses right now as to why my house is messy. I could blame a whole lot of other people, but when all is said and done, a big part of it is on my shoulders.

Ugh!

One of the biggest helps for me was a friend who gave me permission to feel this way. She said that she didn't feel the need to call CPS (or take a shower as soon as she got home), but just that my house looked like someone under organized and overwhelmed. Instead of telling me what I needed to do or offering tons of unasked for advice, she let me know that she was there just a short time ago. Instead of a super clean home, she has a home that is clean enough for people to drop by unexpectedly.

It totally started to click... Keeping my home safe and ready for company doesn't mean I'm failing every time I don't scrub the floor boards with a toothbrush. It doesn't mean I'm failing when my home isn't ready for the Queen. (You know, she comes over ALL the time...) It means keeping it healthy and trying to sweep the dirt off the floor so that you don't feel all of the crushed Cherrios through your socks.

My home is not going to be white- glove ready... Actually, if you come over with white gloves, you will probably hear me yelling at the kids to be quiet and pretend we aren't home.

I think I'm ok with that. At least for now.

Veggie Tales are done, so it's time to get back to the babies.